Global Express News

Murray spotted at Dick and Doms gunge disaster. Friends said his behaviour was very strange throughout the evening.

Was it Billy? Shock photograph fingers movie star as charity hero

New evidence emerged last night in the ongoing debate over the so-called ‘celebrity superhero’ that could place actor Billy Murray – star of recent adverts for

- as the number one suspect. Claims that he was responsible for preventing a tank of gunge from covering a group of celebrities at an Albert Hall charity event have been given added weight after discovery of his image on CCTV camera footage several hundred feet above the spot where witnesses saw him before and after the near-gunging.

CCTYV Footage of the event

While Mr Murray’s spokesperson has discounted the claims as ‘ridiculous’ and ‘unfounded’, supporters of the theory say this is just the beginning and that more evidence will eventually surface.

‘It is only a matter of time’ says celebrity super-fan Janine Pickles. ‘He can’t keep it hidden for long, more footage is bound to appear. And when it does, hopefully more celebrities will feel comfortable revealing their super powers and they can finally lead us as the master race they truly are.’

Close up appears to reveal Billys face

CELEBRITIE’S GUNGE SURVIVAL BRANDED ‘MIRACLE’ BY POLICE

Over 40 British celebrities are in shock tonight after a faulty gunge tank nearly cost them their dignity.

The famous do-gooders were attending a charity event at the Royal Albert Hall and were excitedly awaiting the evenings entertainment – a live broadcast of Dick and Dom’s gunge-a-thon - when a photo opportunity beneath the giant 1000 litre gunge tank almost turned into disaster as the tank slipped from it’s holding brace and threatened to douse the assembled celebrities in green goo.

The glass box – modelled on a design developed by 1980’s gunge pioneer Chris Tarrent – reportedly gave a loud groan then was seen to visibly tip, sending a swathe of Britain’s favourite faces scattering wildly, desperate to avoid humiliation.
        Just as the metal hinges looked ready to drop the load – and cover a collective wardrobe estimated at £500,000 – the tank stopped dead, as if suspended by an invisible force. Then, according to some, appeared to slide back into place.
        ‘I didn’t know what was going on’ said Stars in their Eyes presenter Matthew Kelly. ‘Someone shouted ‘Gunge leggit,!’ so I did. But when I looked round, the tank was just dangling there in mid air. Then it moved back all by itself, but shakily, as if being pushed. It was the weirdest thing.’
        Engineers immediately dismantled the tank, while outside there were unpleasant scenes as security guards attempted to usher 2 thousand disappointed, gunge-hungry children back onto their buses without compensation.

Murray spotted leaving the Albert Hall

Despite the mayhem many onlookers were more interested in claims that a something had been seen moving very fast, towards the tank just before it happened.

‘I’m sure it was one of them’ ice cream vendor Nathan Wang told the Global Express. ‘It was chaos, but I definitely saw a blur of something dark fly out of the huddled celebrities.’

Though sceptical of the ‘superhero’ explanation, police are keeping an open mind. ‘It was certainly a miraculous escape from gunging’, said DI Sharon Hoopling.’ We are following several leads. And by that I mean people.’

One person immediately a focus of attention was celebrity magician Paul Daniels, later placed by CCTV footage hiding behind Esther Rantzen.

‘I promise I had nothing to do with it, but I will say this - it was an accident waiting to happen and should signal an end to this ridiculous gunge-culture.’ The event may shed light on an incident at a party at Harry Secombe’s house in 1967 where several guests claimed to have seen the host put out birthday candles with his mind, at the time attributed to lies.

LINCOLN POWER STATION SURGE‘NOT OUR FAULT’ SAY ENERGY FIRM

Residents of Lincoln are still without an explanation for the power cut which robbed them of electricity for more than 6 hours last Tuesday evening.

The black out – which struck just before 8 O’clock GMT and left over 400 homes without kettles, dishwashers and games consoles – has been traced by officials to a ‘power surge’ at the local energy station but bosses have said they are not to blame.‘It’s simply not our fault’ said spokesman Jim Tar, ‘we feel bad about the games consoles and that but we didn’t do it.’

Though some scientists have stated dry-lightning as a possible cause (a rare occurrence where lightning can strike without any kind of storm activity) many local people have their own theories, some of which veer on the supernatural.

‘I was stroking a dog outside the Kebab shop when I looked up and saw Don Beech off the telly, eating a tikka barm’ said local mime Trevor Speerway. ‘Then all of a sudden he disappeared. That’s when the lights went out. That’s all I’m prepared to say.’

THE INVESTIGATION CONTINUES...